welcome to middle may

Life is finally starting to chill.

To catch everyone up, my life has been nothing but stress this semester.

My mom has struggled with cancer.
My school lost my transcripts, so I couldn't do summer school.
One of my best friends, who I looked up to, accused me of lying to her about everything, said she didn't trust me, and didn't even want to talk for a while.
The person I called my second mother accused me of being some alcoholic, anorexic, drug addicted liar.
My home life with my parents has been less than comfortable.
I have no job because of complications.
My car has broken down and tires went flat several times.
My college plans are up in the air. 
And, drama never ceases to leave me alone...and somehow it's always my fault.

I wish I could say that through all this I was strong in my faith or happy. I'm good at putting on that face, but that's not always how I felt inside. Actually, I've been struggling through depression and anger for what's happened.

However, I've finally reached a breaking point.  Thanks to leading the middle schoolers last night for bible study, I realized that what I was teaching was really good stuff. We watching a Nooma movie called, Rain. Rob Bell told a story about he and his son going for a walk and all the sudden it started raining.

It's a really awesome analogy for how God walks His children through the storm, but He never lets go. I guess the one that has let go is me. I gave up and I'm struggling to get back on track. For a while, I haven't really wanted to. It's too hard. Getting persecuted is apart of the Christian walk, but persecution from your own people is too much.

We've all gotten caught up in the legalism and judgment, which is sad. I've had so many people who said they would never judge me or always forgive me, do just the opposite. It has not made me question the Creator, but I definitely question the creation.


A wise man named Gandi said it best:

“I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.”

 

I don't want to sit here and judge other people. That's not my intention. I know what it's like being on the judgment seat and I never want to put anyone through that. I am simply tired of some Christians that surround me. I still love them and forgive them and I will never stop. I would just like to stop hurting.

Through all of this, I have learned to be more. Do more. Give more. Love more. And have compassion for the fallen.

Going back to the previous, life has gotten a little easier.

Mom has had surgery that will hopefully make her cancer free. But there is never any certainty.
I got my transcripts to school. I just need to finish some other paperwork.


My friend and I are okay now, but she still doesn't trust me and I don't trust her much either.

I am no alcoholic, anorexic, drug addicted liar and I was able to at least say that.
I'm job searching!
My car has been fixed for now.

And, the drama? Well, you can't care every time someone brings you down.

2/13/10--Day 7

Well, so far this is working! I'm back on! 

Today was super relaxing for me. I woke up, enjoyed a water bottle and a text from my sister, and ate breakfast made by my father. Dana (my sister closest to me in age) showed up within 45 minutes with Sly and the bun in the oven! We drove around the West End, running errands for the week. When we got home, I turned on Matilda!! (one of my favorite movies of all time) 

We had a family meeting that actually went okay. Usually, family meetings are more like a WWE Smackdown. But it went well today. We were able to talk about who does what and why. One of the hardest parts of being a family is the "C-word"....*lights go down and the Who Wants to Be a Millionaire music comes on*....Communication. Woah. Hold the phone. People actually have to communicate? What?

I remember as a 6th grader, learning about...dun, dun, dun...communication. The analogy about incorrect communication was like standing in a closet just talking; nobody's listening. But, the right way to communicate was to be able to have a level-headed conversation. The ultimate communication is with our Heavenly Daddy. And honestly, the only communication that matters.

Hannah's over now and we just took a biology quiz. 110%!!!!! Oh happy day!

2/12/10--Day 6

Well...I've learned so far that life throws curveballs and fast...and with our family, it's usually a few at a time.

Since I've last written, a lot has happened. . .

Two days after my last blog, I found my beautiful puppy, Riley! She was dropped off in a parking lot at Short Pump mall as I drove by. She was only 5 weeks old and 5 pounds. She's a purebred Chocolate Lab and someone dumped her on the side of the road! It's beyond me, but I'm blessed to have her and share her with a friend. 

School ended and I was relieved. I finished my final paper for English and got a B for the class! I also decided to retake placement testing for math in the hopes that I could score out of the high school level. I passed with flying colors! That was so awesome. 

Christmas rolled around and it was very emotional. Usually my Aunt Deanie and her hubby, Mike, join us for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Because of her new job, she had to work both days. That was super hard for me because I'm a major tradition person. We made the best of it and ended our holiday well with our family friends. We at least got to keep our tradition of seeing a movie and went to Sherlock Homes, which is not for the faint hearted. Then again, no movie is these days.

The last week of December was the last bang from 2009. My Mom was diagnosed with a severe cancer. I can't say any details because I'm not allowed. 
Talk about major shocker.  We've walked many walks as a family, but this one is definitely in the top 3 worst events. 

When you're faced with such an unfair trial, it's hard to keep your emotions on a down low and make the necessary decisions that's best for the one you love. However cliché it is, love is the only thing that can get you through; Love for the victim, love for the affected, and love from the Maker. 

It's been difficult, but we're not letting it debilitate us. It can't.

We're on week 5 of our journey and God has been so gracious to us. Meals and keeping the house somewhat tidy has been a couple of the biggest stressers for me because I'm usually the one who takes care of that during the week. So many friends from church, family, and acquaintances have stepped up and provided so much. 

So, with that pressure, I began my second semester as a freshman in college. Wake up at 8, leave by 8:30, History 101 at 9 am, English 112 at 10, and Biology 101 at 11. My favorite class is history, as usual. It gets me through the day. I have been so blessed with an incredible teacher. We're studying Western civilization and he's traveling through the timeline in a Christian perspective. How crazy.

So, here I am, at this moment, sitting here still in a state of numbness. I'm waiting for the breakthrough, but I keep reality close by. I keep reminding myself that it's when we're broken and beaten down that we are loved and can be used the most. 

Song of the week: Beautiful Scandelous Night - Sixpence None the Richer

12/3/09--Day 5

Well, unfortunately, I have failed to do an everyday thing. Time to do a redo!

This past week has been crazy hectic and somewhat stressful. I know this age is a lot about making decisions, but it's hard to make them when you could be potentially hurting your mother.

I'm trying to stay afloat in my math class. That's a complicated situation, but I want to finish well. History and English are coming along smoothly! Hallelujah! I'm so excited for this semester to be over in T-minus 2 weeks and counting!

The decisions I'm having to make are about my job situation. I have an opportunity to work at Third Pres with my mom as an intern until I leave next fall. However, that would mean not being able to be with the middle schoolers on Sunday morning that I've become so close with through these past couple months. I love all the kids at Pump, but there's something about the middle schoolers. I feel like if I don't do it, I'd be hurting my mom or at least disappointing her. But, I also have to work at EHA, which, apparently, I'm going to be doing more of next semester. On top of all the job opportunity, I'm taking 19 credit hours in school. It'll be interesting to see how I'm going to hold up!

On to more light hearted thoughts.......Thanksgiving was awesome. I love my family. We ate then rested and talked for a while. But, this year, I felt a little out of place. There was no "crowd" I fit into. Julia was off with her cousin Rebekah, who takes all of her attention. William wasn't wanting to be social. Then, there's the adult group, who talk about work and kids. And then there's the old men group. Well, I don't fit in any of those categories, so I felt a little lonesome.

But! Julia and I decided that we were going to go shopping the next morning. We got up around 5 and headed for Regency, Kohl's, and  Target! It was a blast even though we didn't get much.

Well, hopefully, I'll be able to get back into my routine of writing everyday. I still haven't gotten my computer back, so pictures will come when my computer does!

11/20/09 -- Day 4

Today was pretty decent. I woke up at 7! I didn't really want to...but I got up anyways.

I was supposed to take a history test, but the center was closed for some reason, so I started calling different college about what type of student they're looking for. It's so hard being the initiator, when all your life that's what parents did. Now it's my turn...part of growing up.

I went to history and a fight broke out between my teacher and a student over whether kids who worked in factories during the North's Industrial Age around the early 1800's were paid or not. Literally, it was a yelling match.
English went by pretty quickly, since there was nothing to do but listen to other's presentations. Then, I headed for the Common's to do some studying to take my history test. Of course, when I got there, they were closed. I was really upset because my teacher had today as a deadline. But, hopefully he'll give my grace so I can take it on Monday.

I ran around town and grabbed a gift for Tim, since it was his birthday today and headed home.

I was so excited to be home. I put on my sweat pants and laid down for a few. Next thing I knew, it was 6:30 and we were supposed to be leaving for the Cooper's house to see Jack and Karen! But, I love naps. :)

I love my family!--whether they're blood related or not. I got to hang out with Will a little. Since he's so involved with school and his own friend, we don't see each other much....I miss how close we used to be. I also got to see Billy! He's a mentally challenged guy in his 20's, who loves to hang out with me! Though he can only say "yeahh" and "nooo" and "maaa", we have the best conversations.

We enjoyed the bonfire and each others company. At some points I felt like my back was going to freeze over and my legs were going to burn, but moving positions helped. The air was so clear. Stars are one of my favorite landscapes, so being out from all the Short Pump lights was fantastic.

I was thinking about Monday night today when I spent the night at the Henry's. When Julia and I got in bed and were trying to get to sleep, she prayed to "Daddy." What an awesome example. She does that every night, thanking Him for the day, the people she was able to fellowship with, praying over loved ones, and adding anything that she could think of. It made me ask myself, do I do that? Do I pray to my heavenly Daddy every night? Not usually. My head is filled with dates, to-do lists, college prep work, papers to fill out, people I need to call or talk to, then I eventually doze off. It's not always the best thing to go to sleep stressed out. Just think about how you wake up!

Now I'm home and probably going to fall asleep to a good movie. Tomorrow should be a nice calm day.

11/19/09--Day 3

So, last night I figured out I had a fever. Thankfully, today wasn't a school day so I didn't have to go anywhere. I slept till at least 1 and watched movies until I FINALLY broke the fever.

Mom bought UP! and we watched it as a family with Hannah :)

Unfortunately, I have to be up super early so I can take a test for history. Hopefully, I won't wake up with a fever. But, even if I do, I still have to go to school. I can always collapse after.

Today has simply been a day of rest, which is what I've needed for a couple months. I'm mostly a night person, so staying up until 2 in the morning isn't out-of-the-question for me. I'm trying to switch my sleep habits though to morning. I'd love to start waking up around 6 or 7 and have a full day ahead of me. That can be another goal...

I'm very good at making goals and dreaming, but I wish I was better at achieving them.

Well, there's another day!

11/18/09--Day 2

Day 2 of blogging! I must be getting into a habit...haha. I was thinking this morning about how neat it is that this time next year, I'll be at a college...Everything will be done and somewhat set-in-stone. Crazy thought.

I attempted to get up early this morning, but unfortunately was unsuccessful...My hand kept subconsciously hitting the Snooze button. Oh well.

I managed to sneak in to the Success Center at J. Sarge for Advising about my new math scores. I'm super excited about it. I got into Math 166: Precalculus and Trigonometry. Tons of fun, right? I'm just excited that it's actually worth college credits!

I went to History and took notes. Then, English, where I had to give a speech on my 5 page paper I wrote a couple weeks back. I got an A!!! That was another good note to my day!

After school, I had lunch with dad at McDonald's; a very nutritious snack wrap and apple. I then headed to Panera to sign up for my college level math class! I also got some college research in. I still need to call the transfer office at JMU to talk about how the transfer process works.

I was supposed to meet Mom at home to work on Elijah House papers, but somehow there was a miscommunication and I ended up doing it late at night.

I went to band practice and got a surprise. I'm singing with Dr. John White on Sunday! He taught a band class in 7th grade, so it was a nice reunion. I'm also singing Amazing Grace alone on Sunday, which I'm a little nervous about, but, hey, I've done it before.

I got home and realized I have a fever. Thank goodness for no school so I can sleep and rest tomorrow.